J.D.: Go ahead, insult me like you always do.

Janitor: Too easy. When you less expect....

(Said to JD)

Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.

Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward.

J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.

Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?

J.D.: Yes!

Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?

J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?

Janitor:(silence) Dammit.

J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor...

(The Janitor rolls his eyes)

J.D.: ...I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.

Janitor: When did you see my penis?

J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.

Janitor: Where were you?

J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.

Janitor:(The Janitor takes a second to process this answer) Uhhh...

J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!

Janitor: What? Why?

J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

Janitor: What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?

(J.D. and Turk have been stealing hospital supplies)

Janitor: Have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?

J.D.:(Stammers) No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper.

(Janitor stares)

J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.

Janitor: A bidet?

J.D.: BIDET to you sir.

Carla: You really want to be a security guard?

Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?

Turk: The uniforms are black and grey.

Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?

(The Janitor is trying to solve J.D.'s riddle)

Janitor:(To himself) Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!

Troy: Relax! I figured it out.

(Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor)

Janitor: Okay... You gave me a penny... and... what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.

Janitor:(Over the PA system) Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.

J.D.: Who put this up?

Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.

J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.

J.D.:(After Janitor pops up behind him) Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?

Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

Janitor: Hey, Idiot.

(J.D. turns around)

Janitor: Heh. I said idiot and you looked.

Janitor: Scooter!

J.D.: Huh?

Janitor: Your nickname will be scooter.

J.D.: I don't get it.

Janitor: Like Scooter Pies. I *hate* Scooter Pies!

J.D.: Oh... now I get it.

J.D.: Can you get that for me? I can't reach it.

Janitor: Did you stick that up there?

J.D.: That�s really neither here nor there�

Janitor: Ok, here you go. You know, you could have just asked me to stop hasseling you for about a year.

J.D.: Ok, I want that.

Janitor: Too late.

(While inspecting a suspicious mole on the Janitor's penis)

J.D.: Hmm... it looks benign.

Janitor: Yeah, 'bout nine, nine and half.

Doug: Hey, Klaus, in your country, how come Hamburg and Frankfurt, they have nothing to do with hamburgers or hot dogs?

Janitor:(In a german voice) Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop?

Elliot: Thanks again for helping me look for Carla.

Janitor: No problem. I'll check the dumpster.

Elliot: ...We're not looking for *dead* Carla.

Janitor: Atta girl. You stay optimistic.

(Dr. Cox took Janitor's camera and ripped out the film)

Janitor: Hey, all my pictures were in there. Dead patient with fancy shirt, dead patient without fancy shirt, me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.

Janitor: Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.

Randall: Burn down her apartment.

Troy: I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat.

Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys.

Janitor: Door is broke. Every fifth time or so it don't open.

J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

Janitor: Why a penny?

J.D.: No reason.

Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?

J.D.: No, I was just making small talk.

Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

(JD is at the reception desk, sad)

Janitor: Girl problems?

J.D.: How did you know?

Janitor: Well, you look like you've got problems, you're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.

(Janitor slams down the hinged door)

Janitor: You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.

Elliot: What did you just say?

Janitor: There was one other girl, a few years ago... Red Haired Doctor. She used to eat lunch with me. Until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her Janitor Lunch Eater. Not the most clever group. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me the way that I think about you. And I never really believed that you would or that you could, but just pretending for today somehow made me feel good... for a change. I'm sorry.

Elliot: You know what, it's okay. I actually had a good time.

Janitor: Thanks. (She walks away) Elliot.

Janitor: Hey, mujambo. This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?

J.D.:(Gazes up at the bare pole.) There's no flag up there.

Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on back order. What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof...catch a parrot somehow...slap on an eyepatch...go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her watertight -- I could take her out to sea.

J.D.: Are you insane?

Janitor: Nah. I'm a pirate.